Solitude

"Alone, yet not alone am I,
Though in this solitude so drear;
I feel my Saviour always nigh,
He comes the very hour to cheer;
I am with Him, and He with me,
E'en here alone I cannot be."

About 5 years ago I took the Myers-Briggs personality test, and discovered that I am as extroverted as a person can possibly be, which means I have to deal with almost everything externally, talking it out, getting the opinion, or at least the listening ear, of dozens of people. It also means I need to go to people to recharge my batteries, to be sustained, if you will. People, people, people. They have always been my life. So much so, that other than enough quiet time to make me happy every now and then, I dreaded being alone (although, granted, people and stories even filled my mind when I was alone, so I wasn't even alone then, in reality).

Yet, people are not all. God is all. And in Him is the joy that comes through people as well. There have been many times in my life I have asked God to strip me of my idolatry. My idols aren't silver or gold, but living, breathing people who I allow to consume my heart and mind rather than my God. Last summer was one of those times where I begged Him to smash the idols and teach me to truly love people, and not just use them as my worship, my fulfillment, my affirmation.

That prayer opened the door to a long hard year at school in which God stripped away the people I love the most, and allowed me to respond in anger and frustration, and fall flat on my face in trying to cope. He let me wallow in selfishness for just long enough, then took even more away. When I cried to Him, He showed me that what was lacking was a true desire to love sacrificially. Love, for me, doesn't just mean giving everything to everyone - that has been my problem my whole life. Love is sacrifice, like God's love for us. He gave Himself to save me. Himself. Love, for me, means sacrificing, too, and for me that means withholding and waiting and not always giving all I want. It also means being more selfless, and I never realized how sweet and others-centered you can seem on the outside while being very self-centered within.

That realization began a building process where the stripping away process ended, for that time. There is so much joy in knowing the Lord and loving Him. That is one of the most amazing things I've been discovering lately. When you start to learn what sacrifice means in your life, and start practicing it, you find that you really aren't "sacrificing" anything, because if you are willing to let go, God comes in and fills you with more joy than you ever possessed while you clutched at your idols. And, truthfully, God restores what He takes away, often. He is working in me and my relationships and teaching me how to better love those I thought I loved well before. It's a pretty humbling process, once you start realizing how selfish you've been and how much people have been putting up with you.

I've been alone now for almost a week in Colorado, other than a few intermittent connections with people. He's given me a friend, Ruth, and some lovely people to work with in ESL teaching, and He is preparing my class of students for me, and there are a few others I'm looking forward to being with this summer, like Ryan and Amelia and Ceddy, but for once in my life I'm not somewhere because the people are holding me here. I'm here with the Lord and we are facing the summer together. It is beautiful to know Him and be known by Him. When I was out on the mountains last week, I was happier than I've been for a long, long time, and no person was there to make me happy...only my God. We've had the best time together this week. And I look forward to a lot more solitude with Him this summer...learning to love Him and delight in Him even more. He is so wonderful. I'm so thankful for all He is and all He teaches me.