...but sometimes they are.
I am just fascinated to serve a God who knows exactly what I need. It's been a bit of an ups-and-downsy week, one in which I have been learning to pray this prayer:
Give me greater capacities to suffer and to carry
This cross on my back as I walk to my personal Calvary.
(from a song by Flame)
I am learning what it means to be obedient and faithful to not complain even though I want to more than anything.
So today started out pretty rough: not a ton of sleep, landscaping day ahead of me, certain emotional struggles, etc. I had an hour before work and was miserable. One of the things that has been really hard lately is continually making to-do lists of things like:
Clean room
Write so-n-so
Call so-n-so
Review Greek
Read this
etc.
and I've thrown at least two of them away without accomplishing anything on them. There are not many things in everyday life that frustrate me more than not accomplishing goals, especially if there are no really good reasons for not getting them done, other than general business.
Well, back to this morning, it occurred to me that the day before had included breakfast, but not really lunch or dinner, other than chocolate cake for Arnaud's birthday party (he's a Belgian foreign exchange student living here). So I took time to cook a hearty breakfast of eggs with cheese and toast and milk to drink and thankfully no one else was up yet so I had a quiet meal, which was great.
Then, I just started working on my to-do list, mostly just by cleaning my horribly messy room, but also balancing my checkbook, and other things. It was ridiculous how much better I felt. When I drove to work, even though I hadn't read my Bible before leaving (not something I recommend regularly, but it worked this day), I felt so refreshed and ready for the day. Then I got to string trim instead of rake and haul leaves and branches, so the variation was great. I was introduced by one of my co-workers to a couple new guys as "the best worker we have, when Barney's not here." One of these times I'm going to figure out how to NOT be taken by surprise when a co-worker or employer says that, and point it back to Christ, but so far I'm always just a little stunned and don't know what to say.
The rest of my day, after work, consisted of scratching more things off my list, including a good time of reading and prayer with the Lord (although that wasn't on my list this time :).
God really takes good care of us. I'm very thankful for Him and just knowing that He knows my needs more than I could ever express to Him.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Experiences of the week
Seeing my cousin get married. It was like watching a dream come true. LOVED it! :)
Spending 17 hours in the car with Leah C. She totally smashed me in every car game we played...Would you Rather, I Have Never, Count the Yellow Cars, etc. But we had a wonderful time.
Learning about how the World Cup works through the eyes of a South Korean woman. That was fun. I know nothing about soccer, so I liked learning about it. Pray for this lady, if you would. She is so, SO sweet and has been super encouraging to me. I would love to talk with her about spiritual things.
Watching a Little League baseball game and "dancing" (more like bouncing) at an outdoor concert in the park with Ceddy. Watching the kiddo is a highlight of my week. He's getting used to me, too! He didn't even cry this time. :D
Discovering a Christian coffee shop called "Solid Grounds" that is close-by here. It's a really nice sized one with even an outdoor balcony with flower boxes and umbrellas and everything. Great atmosphere. Now if I just had money to spend on coffee... :)
Being reminded that a "happy life" is not something I am entitled to. I don't deserve anything good...and everything good and happy I have and experience is from God's grace. When you forget that, you start being afraid of God's plan for you, because you forget that He is good even when He sends the hard things. It is good to be humbled and reminded of that.
Daniel 9.
Being told "You work harder than most Mexicans I know" by a Mexican American. :) Landscaping is good but it's hard, HARD work. Thankfully my hours have been reduced and I'm just doing mornings.
Feeling stir-crazy in the city for the first time this summer. I tried to go to Starbucks to study last night around 10 o'clock, but everything was closed...I ended up just driving around for like 20 minutes, and it felt oh, so good to get out of the house. Admittedly, I cried for a while, for Kansas and for the stars and for breathing room, but I survived. :)
Feeling excited and accomplished because my evening class is understanding the progressive tense ("I am working" vs. "I work."). We used Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss. It was amazingly helpful. :D God is good. I'm learning that I'm just as dependent on Him in my English teaching as I am in my Bible teaching. It's a good thing to learn. And there's nothing quite like seeing the light that says "I understand!" in your students' eyes. :)
Spending 17 hours in the car with Leah C. She totally smashed me in every car game we played...Would you Rather, I Have Never, Count the Yellow Cars, etc. But we had a wonderful time.
Learning about how the World Cup works through the eyes of a South Korean woman. That was fun. I know nothing about soccer, so I liked learning about it. Pray for this lady, if you would. She is so, SO sweet and has been super encouraging to me. I would love to talk with her about spiritual things.
Watching a Little League baseball game and "dancing" (more like bouncing) at an outdoor concert in the park with Ceddy. Watching the kiddo is a highlight of my week. He's getting used to me, too! He didn't even cry this time. :D
Discovering a Christian coffee shop called "Solid Grounds" that is close-by here. It's a really nice sized one with even an outdoor balcony with flower boxes and umbrellas and everything. Great atmosphere. Now if I just had money to spend on coffee... :)
Being reminded that a "happy life" is not something I am entitled to. I don't deserve anything good...and everything good and happy I have and experience is from God's grace. When you forget that, you start being afraid of God's plan for you, because you forget that He is good even when He sends the hard things. It is good to be humbled and reminded of that.
Daniel 9.
Being told "You work harder than most Mexicans I know" by a Mexican American. :) Landscaping is good but it's hard, HARD work. Thankfully my hours have been reduced and I'm just doing mornings.
Feeling stir-crazy in the city for the first time this summer. I tried to go to Starbucks to study last night around 10 o'clock, but everything was closed...I ended up just driving around for like 20 minutes, and it felt oh, so good to get out of the house. Admittedly, I cried for a while, for Kansas and for the stars and for breathing room, but I survived. :)
Feeling excited and accomplished because my evening class is understanding the progressive tense ("I am working" vs. "I work."). We used Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss. It was amazingly helpful. :D God is good. I'm learning that I'm just as dependent on Him in my English teaching as I am in my Bible teaching. It's a good thing to learn. And there's nothing quite like seeing the light that says "I understand!" in your students' eyes. :)
Friday, June 11, 2010
Faith to be strong
Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong
- A. Peterson
It's been a long week...but God's grace has surrounded me at every turn. I am working 25 more hours now than I was before...15 landscaping and 10 tutoring someone from Saudi Arabia for pay. So my life has kind of drastically changed, schedule-wise. That's been pretty tough. It's what the Lord brought me here for, though, so I am trusting Him to get me through it and learning to let go of my personal goals for my time in the next six weeks.
Yesterday I taught ESL for 7 hours, off and on throughout the day. Then it took me hanging out with a group of young people from the church for an hour and talking to a good friend and eating a bowl of brownies with raspberry ice cream and whipped cream and reading half the book of Daniel to be quiet and rested enough to go to sleep. So, see, even though it's tiring and tough, God knows what I need and He supplies. I never knew you could get so tired of speaking your own language, though.
Oh, and speaking of supplying what I need. Check out this little man who is basically making my summer right now. Ms. Linda, THIS is Cedric. I got to watch him on Wednesday night after 8 hours of working landscaping in the hot sun. It was pure therapy. We smiled a lot at each other and exchanged lots of slobbery kisses and he's a very good listener and I was teaching him how to give a high five. Oh, and Ingrid Michaelson was by far his favorite artist of all the different ones I tried on him, although he liked Best Years of our Lives by the BaHa Men (Shrek soundtrack). HeHe.
This weekend I'm headed home with my friend Leah from Emmaus (from Ft. Collins, north of here), for my cousin Chad's wedding! I'm exhausted through and through so I don't have a lot of energy to be excited, but I'm looking forward to it all. And praying that we'll be safe driving. God is so good to have provided a good friend to come down with me for the 17-hour round trip in one weekend. :) I love how He provides. He is good.
Oh, and PS, Why do I always have to be in the 3% of people who get the side effects in antibiotics? 3% seems like a nice, small, unlikely-that-you'll-get-it number...but it's not encouraging. :P
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong
- A. Peterson
It's been a long week...but God's grace has surrounded me at every turn. I am working 25 more hours now than I was before...15 landscaping and 10 tutoring someone from Saudi Arabia for pay. So my life has kind of drastically changed, schedule-wise. That's been pretty tough. It's what the Lord brought me here for, though, so I am trusting Him to get me through it and learning to let go of my personal goals for my time in the next six weeks.
Yesterday I taught ESL for 7 hours, off and on throughout the day. Then it took me hanging out with a group of young people from the church for an hour and talking to a good friend and eating a bowl of brownies with raspberry ice cream and whipped cream and reading half the book of Daniel to be quiet and rested enough to go to sleep. So, see, even though it's tiring and tough, God knows what I need and He supplies. I never knew you could get so tired of speaking your own language, though.
Oh, and speaking of supplying what I need. Check out this little man who is basically making my summer right now. Ms. Linda, THIS is Cedric. I got to watch him on Wednesday night after 8 hours of working landscaping in the hot sun. It was pure therapy. We smiled a lot at each other and exchanged lots of slobbery kisses and he's a very good listener and I was teaching him how to give a high five. Oh, and Ingrid Michaelson was by far his favorite artist of all the different ones I tried on him, although he liked Best Years of our Lives by the BaHa Men (Shrek soundtrack). HeHe.
This weekend I'm headed home with my friend Leah from Emmaus (from Ft. Collins, north of here), for my cousin Chad's wedding! I'm exhausted through and through so I don't have a lot of energy to be excited, but I'm looking forward to it all. And praying that we'll be safe driving. God is so good to have provided a good friend to come down with me for the 17-hour round trip in one weekend. :) I love how He provides. He is good.
Oh, and PS, Why do I always have to be in the 3% of people who get the side effects in antibiotics? 3% seems like a nice, small, unlikely-that-you'll-get-it number...but it's not encouraging. :P
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
People are people all over the world.
It's true. Cultures are beautiful. God fashions people with incredible diversity. One has pure black hair and almond-colored skin and by nature is reserved and gentle, another has rich black skin who wears colorful skirts and headscarves and speaks her mind boldly, another freckle-covered skin and dusty brown hair who laughs all the time and loves being around people.
Some people struggle with racism. I think that I have the opposite problem: idolizing people of different ethnicities and criticizing my own culture. But a week and a half into ESL teaching has taught me something. All people have problems. Everyone, of every culture, has a sin nature, and it takes patience to live with all people, no matter where they are from, even if their group-minded, collectivistic culture seems more appealing than my own rugged individualistic culture.
Also, the worldview behind a culture really, truly does affect how people see each other and how they interact. When you see things through a whole different lens, you have to really cooperate to be able to work together, especially if you are learning a third language and culture. I'm not sure that before this summer I would have understood the implications of having a student from Asia and students from Latin America in the same classroom, being taught by an American woman. It's funny, really...sometimes I feel like I'm on display: Here is the example of what an American is like - follow her. I realize that the Asian doesn't want anyone but me telling them what to do. And the Latin American is used to people complying and giving in to each other to keep each other happy. And I see pride written on the Asian's face and irritation on the Hispanic's, and feel discouragement and frustration welling up in my own heart, and then I realize, we're ALL just people who need God's grace.
God, who in His grace is the one who restores, confirms, strengthens, and establishes (1 Pet. 5:10). I love to teach, to help people. But really, only when it's easy. And it's not easy...I think that I forgot that it could be pretty hard. Realistically, helping people IS hard. That's life. You learn to stick with things through thick and thin and give it your all and trust God to be the one who is actually strengthening and enabling you.
I would appreciate prayer for the relationships in my classes, and for wisdom for myself as I try to teach a multi-leveled class in the mornings (ranging from an almost advanced student to one who almost never understands the instructions I give them in class, and all levels in between). So far, I've had three morning classes and have been discouraged all three times after class. But the Lord always gives me grace and cheers me up afterward. I know that it is His class, not mine, so I'm just doing my best...all that He asks of me.
Some people struggle with racism. I think that I have the opposite problem: idolizing people of different ethnicities and criticizing my own culture. But a week and a half into ESL teaching has taught me something. All people have problems. Everyone, of every culture, has a sin nature, and it takes patience to live with all people, no matter where they are from, even if their group-minded, collectivistic culture seems more appealing than my own rugged individualistic culture.
Also, the worldview behind a culture really, truly does affect how people see each other and how they interact. When you see things through a whole different lens, you have to really cooperate to be able to work together, especially if you are learning a third language and culture. I'm not sure that before this summer I would have understood the implications of having a student from Asia and students from Latin America in the same classroom, being taught by an American woman. It's funny, really...sometimes I feel like I'm on display: Here is the example of what an American is like - follow her. I realize that the Asian doesn't want anyone but me telling them what to do. And the Latin American is used to people complying and giving in to each other to keep each other happy. And I see pride written on the Asian's face and irritation on the Hispanic's, and feel discouragement and frustration welling up in my own heart, and then I realize, we're ALL just people who need God's grace.
God, who in His grace is the one who restores, confirms, strengthens, and establishes (1 Pet. 5:10). I love to teach, to help people. But really, only when it's easy. And it's not easy...I think that I forgot that it could be pretty hard. Realistically, helping people IS hard. That's life. You learn to stick with things through thick and thin and give it your all and trust God to be the one who is actually strengthening and enabling you.
I would appreciate prayer for the relationships in my classes, and for wisdom for myself as I try to teach a multi-leveled class in the mornings (ranging from an almost advanced student to one who almost never understands the instructions I give them in class, and all levels in between). So far, I've had three morning classes and have been discouraged all three times after class. But the Lord always gives me grace and cheers me up afterward. I know that it is His class, not mine, so I'm just doing my best...all that He asks of me.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
English class and Walking Meditation
Whoosh! So many new people and experiences...all in two weeks. My ESL classes began this week, of course, so I suppose I should start with them.
I am teaching from 9-11 am and 6-8 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I'm tutoring a lady from 8-9 on Tuesday and another from 2-3 on Thursday. Talk about i-n-t-e-n-s-e! That's five hours a day of speaking the slowest, clearest, most basic English that I can, or at least attempting to do so. I am reminded frequently to do better in all those areas when I see blank stares coming at me from around the table. :) So, I'm pretty exhausted after every session, class or tutoring, but it is good, and I'm learning a lot. I have students from countries in almost every continent!
South Korea
China
South Sudan
Russia
Peru
Brazil
Mexico
I love them all and am excited, and overwhelmed, about all I need to learn about their cultures and worldviews and how to best reach each one of them where they are at. Whoosh. :) It's good.
Tomorrow at 7:15 am I'll be starting my landscaping job part of the summer, too. So that will be an experience in itself. And this weekend I'm coming back to KS for my dear cousin Chad's wedding to his lovely Sara.
So, funny story that I promised in my Facebook status. Thursday morning, I was decently prepared for class, with a nice lesson plan written out. My morning students went at a slower rate than my evening students, just fyi. But then, only one of my evening students showed up for class, so I thought I'd just do some one-on-one work with her farther along in the book. Then, one of my least advanced students arrived, and then a new student arrived, so I had three different students than I was expecting and was kind of needing to work from three places in the book. It was insanity, and by the end I felt like a rotten teacher and cried about it over my lunch. The Lord renewed my heart, though, and I was getting ready to do my lesson plan for the evening, when I got two phone calls that took up a couple hours, which was fine, and they were both great conversations, but it just gave me a later start than I expected. Then I remembered I needed to run to Office Depot to pick up ink for the printer here bc I wanted to print some handouts. "That'll only take me 30 minutes or so," I thought, which would still give me an hour to prepare for my lesson. It was 4:20 at that point. Well, I ended up getting royally LOST and drove around for an hour. My reasoning was so confused...why did I do this, why didn't I plan better, why me? Finally I threw my hands in the air (I was stopped at a stoplight, so it was okay) :) and said, "God, I give up! You take over. You be in control. You give me what I need for my lesson tonight." Within two turns, there was the Office Depot, and I knew where I was again. I made it back in time for class and even got my handouts printed (a miracle in itself - since when does a printer do what you want it to do when you're in a rush??). I didn't prepare at all, except for reading through my teacher's book while they were practicing conversations, but the class went amazingly well. My students understood the grammar concepts very well and we were all relaxed and had a great class. I'm telling you, God is pretty crazy awesome. You'd think that I'd learn to give up sooner, and save myself some pain.
Oh, and Walking Meditation. I just read this article on Yahoo about natural ways to feel happier, and one of them was "Walking Meditation." And I quote: "Stride slowly for 20 minutes sans iPod. Stare at the ground 6 feet ahead and focus on the soles of your shoes lifting and dropping."
Yes, well, I walk and meditate at the same time, aka, pray. I just laughed at the article because I felt intelligent. I could have told them that meditating and walking is extremely refreshing. I've found some good routes around the neighborhood, one that includes a little fishing pond. It is so lovely to be out and about and around people. I can't even bring my music with me because there are so many people to say hello to. :) The Lord and I have lots of good conversations on those walks. Yep.
The end. I'm going to go get some sort of refreshing drink, such as strawberry lemonade, or orange juice, or something, and go to bed. :)
I am teaching from 9-11 am and 6-8 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I'm tutoring a lady from 8-9 on Tuesday and another from 2-3 on Thursday. Talk about i-n-t-e-n-s-e! That's five hours a day of speaking the slowest, clearest, most basic English that I can, or at least attempting to do so. I am reminded frequently to do better in all those areas when I see blank stares coming at me from around the table. :) So, I'm pretty exhausted after every session, class or tutoring, but it is good, and I'm learning a lot. I have students from countries in almost every continent!
South Korea
China
South Sudan
Russia
Peru
Brazil
Mexico
I love them all and am excited, and overwhelmed, about all I need to learn about their cultures and worldviews and how to best reach each one of them where they are at. Whoosh. :) It's good.
Tomorrow at 7:15 am I'll be starting my landscaping job part of the summer, too. So that will be an experience in itself. And this weekend I'm coming back to KS for my dear cousin Chad's wedding to his lovely Sara.
So, funny story that I promised in my Facebook status. Thursday morning, I was decently prepared for class, with a nice lesson plan written out. My morning students went at a slower rate than my evening students, just fyi. But then, only one of my evening students showed up for class, so I thought I'd just do some one-on-one work with her farther along in the book. Then, one of my least advanced students arrived, and then a new student arrived, so I had three different students than I was expecting and was kind of needing to work from three places in the book. It was insanity, and by the end I felt like a rotten teacher and cried about it over my lunch. The Lord renewed my heart, though, and I was getting ready to do my lesson plan for the evening, when I got two phone calls that took up a couple hours, which was fine, and they were both great conversations, but it just gave me a later start than I expected. Then I remembered I needed to run to Office Depot to pick up ink for the printer here bc I wanted to print some handouts. "That'll only take me 30 minutes or so," I thought, which would still give me an hour to prepare for my lesson. It was 4:20 at that point. Well, I ended up getting royally LOST and drove around for an hour. My reasoning was so confused...why did I do this, why didn't I plan better, why me? Finally I threw my hands in the air (I was stopped at a stoplight, so it was okay) :) and said, "God, I give up! You take over. You be in control. You give me what I need for my lesson tonight." Within two turns, there was the Office Depot, and I knew where I was again. I made it back in time for class and even got my handouts printed (a miracle in itself - since when does a printer do what you want it to do when you're in a rush??). I didn't prepare at all, except for reading through my teacher's book while they were practicing conversations, but the class went amazingly well. My students understood the grammar concepts very well and we were all relaxed and had a great class. I'm telling you, God is pretty crazy awesome. You'd think that I'd learn to give up sooner, and save myself some pain.
Oh, and Walking Meditation. I just read this article on Yahoo about natural ways to feel happier, and one of them was "Walking Meditation." And I quote: "Stride slowly for 20 minutes sans iPod. Stare at the ground 6 feet ahead and focus on the soles of your shoes lifting and dropping."
Yes, well, I walk and meditate at the same time, aka, pray. I just laughed at the article because I felt intelligent. I could have told them that meditating and walking is extremely refreshing. I've found some good routes around the neighborhood, one that includes a little fishing pond. It is so lovely to be out and about and around people. I can't even bring my music with me because there are so many people to say hello to. :) The Lord and I have lots of good conversations on those walks. Yep.
The end. I'm going to go get some sort of refreshing drink, such as strawberry lemonade, or orange juice, or something, and go to bed. :)
Oh, the beauty
I was reading Psalm 17 this morning and was struck by the contrast between the quality of life of the believer and the unsaved.
From "...men of this world whose portion is in this life"
to
"As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness." (from Psalm 17)
I know God. I have the assurance of beholding His face! I am in a relationship with Him that results in a daily changing to be more and more LIKE Him! What beautiful truths! My portion is not in this world - it is in my Savior - in eternity. That is why all true joys here on earth point back to Him and cause our hearts to overflow in thankfulness, and why all sorrow or disappointment draws our hearts to Him for comfort and release.
"I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things." Is. 45:7
He designs everything for His purposes. He wants to make men realize that HE is the fulfillment of all, and only HE is worthy of worship.
From "...men of this world whose portion is in this life"
to
"As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness." (from Psalm 17)
I know God. I have the assurance of beholding His face! I am in a relationship with Him that results in a daily changing to be more and more LIKE Him! What beautiful truths! My portion is not in this world - it is in my Savior - in eternity. That is why all true joys here on earth point back to Him and cause our hearts to overflow in thankfulness, and why all sorrow or disappointment draws our hearts to Him for comfort and release. "I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things." Is. 45:7
He designs everything for His purposes. He wants to make men realize that HE is the fulfillment of all, and only HE is worthy of worship.
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